HEY YOU!  YES YOU, READING THIS POST!  YOU LIKE FREE STUFF RIGHT?

I want to play a game...again....

Earlier this year, I gave away a free issue of Rue Morgue magazine for the answer to a trivia question.  I had a lot of fun with it, and figured if I was able to at some point, I'd do it again...but I don't like doing things half-assed......

Over the past 3 or so months, from the various conventions I go to (and postal service screwups), I've been accumulating a decent-sized pile of convention schwag and, after a long time trying to figure out how the hell I was going to do this, I think I've come up with a challenge thatll be a bit more complicated than knowing the answer to a trivia question.

SO WHAT ARE WE PLAYING FOR?

Due to a postal service screwup, I am, again, able to give away a free issue of Rue Morgue!  This time, Issue 91, featuring a Blair Witch retrospective and pieces on Straw Dogs, Combat Shock, and the history of death masks, among many other things.

BUT WAIT!  THERES MORE!

A) An Inglourious Basterds one-sheet I picked up at Monstermania in August, B) A deck of Fox Home Entertainment "Vote for Gore" playing cards I grabbed at Fangoria in June, C) A T-shirt for the now-defunct Fangoria webchannel, Fangoria TV, size Large, that I grabbed at Fangoria in June, D) Autographed 8X10s, 1 of the Friday the 13th Pt. 2 onesheet, signed by Lauren Marie Taylor ("Vickie"), 1 of Judge Doom and Roger Rabbit, signed by Charles Fleischer ("voice of Roger Rabbit"), nabbed at Fangoria and June Monstermania respectively, E)  A black pen (the red's just on the inside of the barrel) advertising "The Uninvited" from Fangoria, F) A wide range of Alien Trespass one-sheets, all different, from Fangoria, and G) a Saw VI onesheet from Monstermania August.  EDIT:  H)  THE WINNER WILL ALSO GET HIS OR HER CHOICE OF THE TWO SELLSHEETS SHOWN ABOVE THAT I PICKED UP AT MONSTERMANIA IN AUGUST.

So, by now, I'm imagining you're curious what you have to do to win some of these FABULOUS PRIZES....Well, over in the music section, I've uploaded 15 instrumental tracks from various horror movies, each named "Contest Song 1", 2, 3, etc.  Some are easy, some are a bit more challenging, a couple pretty rough and no movie is repeated (I've linked them here, clicking will open each in a new window, they play automatically):

Song 1

Song 2 (I will only accept ONE answer for this)

Song 3 (Two possible answers)

Song 4

Song 5

Song 6

Song 7

Song 8

Song 9

Song 10

Song 11

Song 12

Song 13

Song 14

Song 15

So here's what you do: In order to keep my BHM site inbox relatively empty, email me a list of the 15 movies these songs are from at crypticpsych@best-horror-movies.com.  As an example, if song 10 happened to be the theme from Halloween (pointless hint:  it isn't), you'd email as part of your list "10) Halloween".  I'm not gonna be an evil EVIL human being and ask for song titles, composers, or anything like that.  Just movie names.  After the contest ends, I will look over all the entries and the entrants who get the most movies right will then be randomly picked from to determine the winner.  REMEMBER:  Even if you don't know all 15, email what you DO know, properly numbered.  If no one is able to get all 15, I will move to 14, and so on.  This contest IS open to international members as well, so if, for example, you live in say...Australia, England, Canada, or Romania, by all means jump in.  (And if you're curious how come there's only one winner...it's because I don't know a really good way to break the nine prizes into tiers.)

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:  It is my wish to give these prizes away to active forum members.  Therefore, I also ask that you include your forum name.  Two or three posts won't cut it here.  I'm not asking for someone who has over 1000 posts on the site...or necessarily even over 200.  Just a person who's active in discussions so that I'm sure I'm giving these to an avid horror fan AND an avid Ossuary member.  If you join the site after this contest opens and enter, I may disqualify you solely on the grounds that I don't know how much you'll post after the contest (we've had a few people join up, post like 5 things, and then vanish totally into the ether.  I don't aim to give this much stuff to such a light poster.  No offense.)

So have fun, everyone, and get your entry to me by midnight Eastern Standard Time on September 9th!

Let the games begin.

HEY YOU!  YES YOU!  YOU LIKE WINNING FREE STUFF RIGHT????

Owing to an error at the publisher when they sent me my subscription issue for the month (happened because I need to renew it), I now have a second issue of Rue Morgue this month to give away to a forum member!  (Btw, because this was just an error and I don't usually end up with stuff like this, don't expect a lot of this.  I just decided to be sure to give this to someone who would appreciate it)

So what are we playing for???

BUT!  I'm not gonna just give it away......we're gonna have a trivia challenge relating to it!  Here's how its going to work:  In this issue, and all issues, of Rue Morgue is a column called "Coroner's Report" in which Monica S. Kuebler compiles 13 dark and morbid facts.  So I'm going to ask you a question about one of the facts listed in the issue you're trying to win!  All you have to do to win is be the first forum member to comment with the correct answer to:

WHAT IS THE TECHNICAL TERM FOR "THE FEAR OF BEING BURIED ALIVE"?

If you win, I'll congratulate you and ask you to message me with your address, to which I'll send your free issue by USPS...and if Attrage happens to win, I'll find some way to ship it to Australia...

The contest begins NOW!  Good luck!

EDIT:  THE CONTEST IS NOW CLOSED!  BLOODYBONES IS THE WINNER!  THANKS FOR PLAYING!

So last year, I think before I really even had been on this site for any extended period of time, I tended to write more on my livejournal.  (not anymore though...like this blog more.)  Before that ended though, in February, I wrote a piece for it that I got the idea for from another site that had a complete football roster creaeted using only characters from Nicktoons (link).  So I thought, if this guy can do this and profess his love for nicktoons...I could do it with a...darker spin.  So here's my list reposted from the livejournal with justifications for my decisions in honor of next week's Super Bowl.  I have everything from well-known to HIGHLY obscure.  I even went further than he did because, after filling my roster, I realized there were plenty of women in the genre I hadnt included and thus I also made a cheerleading squad to fix that oversight.  Enjoy.

OFFENSE:
QB- Freddy Krueger (Nightmare on Elm Streets)- The quarterback of almost any team is the media face/star of that team. Therefore, why not pick one of the most popular villains of all. Also, why not pick a guy who can LITERALLY get into the opposing defenses heads....and kill them.

WR- The Creeper (Jeepers Creepers)- Lets see. A tall, fast, dude with gigantic leathery wings that let him fly....Yeah, I think flight will help with tds. Not to mention that whole "eats the body parts of his victims and incorporates them into his body" thing means endless potential for growth.

WR- Beetlejuice (Beetlejuice)- Horror doesnt have to be nonfamily friendly. Thus we get Beetlejuice. Fast, able to do basically anything with his magical powers, and known to be able to restrain defenders with random bizarre pieces of sculpture. Plus, with a sense of humor like that, the td celebration would be amazing.

RB- Chucky (Child's Play)- There are two kinds of running back. One is small and fast, the other is large and bruising. Combine gives balance. Chucky fits the first bill by being less than 3 feet tall and thus able to cut into holes no one else ever could. Anyone afraid of him being too small and thus weak need only watch any of his movies and see him easily take down people 6 times his size and keep on coming.

FB- Christine (Christine)- What. The car's a horror villain, therefore I can use it. And what better to both open holes for Chucky and run physically through and over the opponents defensive line than a 1958 Plymouth Fury spawned from hell and unable to be destroyed. Just chuck the ball in the window and stand back.

TE- Capt. Spaulding (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He may not be fast, but tight ends dont necessarily need to be. He's big though. And the large man should be able to bowl over defenders as a blocker or after he makes the catch. Plus, who doesnt love a good clown.

LT- Rusty Nail (Joy Ride)- To make double sure you get good running, you need power on the front line. Rusty Nail is a nasty middle-aged truck driver who holds grudges. Plus, if you're lucky, he'll bring the rig onto the line with him and then youd really "nail" the defender.

LG- Michael Myers (Halloween)- Again. Toughness. Big, lumbering, slow-moving silent type who basically cannot be killed. As put by Dr. Loomis in Halloween 2, "I shot him 6 times! I shot him in the heart but... HE'S NOT HUMAN!"

C- Tiny (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Again, toughness. Big, lumbering, silent and slow moving. Injured as a child. While he could beat the hell out of anyone, I wouldn't trust him fully to do anything other than hike the ball and then knock the opponent 6 feet into the ground.

RG- Ghostface (Scream)- Surprised? This makes more sense than youd think though. One of the first things anyone notices in Scream is Ghostface gets the shit kicked out of him. A lot. Bottles over the head, thrown through glass doors, hand slammed in doors, etc. Yet he still gets up. He still makes the kill. and in this case, if someone manages to knock him down, he'll still get up fast enough to make the play.

RT- Graboid (Tremors)- Hmm...something that can push a line back....how about a 10 foot long giant underground worm that can destroy a building with the head of steam it builds up? Nuff said.

DEFENSE:

MLB: The Man in the Yellow Raincoat (High Tension)- For those in the know of the twist ending of High Tension, I'm technically cheating here, but work with me. Put it this way. Huge dude with absolutely no remorse who beats the shit out of whatever comes into his path. Is not afraid to kill, maim, take hostages, and will drive his truck to the ends of the earth to make his point. Sounds like a linebacker to me.

LOLB: Moonface (Masters of Horror: Incident On and Off a Mountain Road)- Strong, fast, large, athletic, and menacing as all hell get out, I'm pretty sure a guy with metal teeth who finds pleasure in drilling the eyes out of his victims would be more than ready to beat the shit out of a running back who snuck through. Field might get littered with crosses with the corpses on them though, but its a give and take.

ROLB: Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre)- He's large, and a bit slow, its true, but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in strength and resourcefulness. I imagine a meat mallet and chainsaw will do just as well in stuffing the runner as quickness will.

DT: Cujo (Cujo)- Again, its a villain, thus it qualifies. The dog knows no quit. It's massive, it's insatiable, it's lightning quick and eerily clever, and it will rip the quarterback's throat out.

DT: Jason Voorhees (Friday the 13th series)- Large. Slow moving, yes, but large and basically unkillable. Plus, numerous times hes shown that hes basically an immovable brick wall force that can also just wreck a person on strength alone. Couple that with a machete and the qb will need to find his throwing arm before the next play.

DE: Marybeth Louise Hutchinson (The Faculty)- Everyone all at once now..."WHO????" Yes, to the uneducated it appears I just put an unknown woman on my defensive line. Not just a woman, but a Tennessean. (just kidding Don) But Marybeth is no ordinary southern belle. Marybeth is an alien invader who can take the form of a sweet tennessee teen. That is until the movie ends and she takes on her true form. And well, suffice to say i'll put a giant space alien as long as roughly two school buses with insane acceleration on my line any day.

DE: Victor Crowley (Hatchet)- I have yet to see Hatchet(current edit:  And I still havent shockingly enough) but from seeing a preview at the Fango con, I know this. If you can physically remove the entire top of a person's head with one hand at the jaw, methinks you can cut it as a lineman.

CB: Malachai (Children of the Corn)- Fast, ruthless, and young, Malachai would do anything to get the ball out of the hands of the outlander wide reciever who dares enter his domain.

CB: Sweeney Tood aka Benjamin Barker (Sweeney Todd)- Todd may seem an odd choice here, but his finesse with the razor and his quickness to the kill would translate over well to a skill position where he'd have to knife in for the pick. Plus, the football helmet's notoriously bad at protecting the neck.......one hand underneath the facemask = incomplete pass.

SS: Otis Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- He's fast, he's smart, he's gangly, and he's totally out of his damn mind. The reciever probably wouldnt survive to reach the ball if Otis was on him.

FS: The Tall Man (Phantasm)- Does this really need explaining? He's tall. Really tall. Unbelievably tall. He also has an armada of silver death spheres. Something tells me the reciever would never reach the pass and, even if he did, im pretty sure The Tall Man would always have the height advantage.

SPECIAL TEAMS:

P: Angela Baker (Sleepaway Camp)- The character as a whole is too good to not have on this team. However, she's not tremendously athletic and tends to be overly quiet. Thus the best place for her is punting where she'll see the least possibility of injury. Plus, should she have to make the tackle...well lets just say few people could think of more creative ways to stop someone than her.

K: Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)- Again, can't pass up the draft pick. But, he's so obsessed with his look, itd be impossible to have him any place where he would possibly be injured. Thus, he gets the other kicking job.

KR/PR: Samara Morgan (The Ring)-Quite possibly one of the easiest placements on my team. Morgan could put Devin Hester to shame with her ability to contort seen in Ring Two, and her insane ability to basically teleport forward feet at a time, basically blazing her way down the field.

COACHING:

Off. Coord: Jigsaw (Saw)- The intricacies and levels of the traps, tricks, and plans of the consummate master serial killer would make him an ideal offensive coordinator. A mind like that could produce some of the greatest plays in the history of the game.

Def. Coord: Pinhead (Hellraiser)- Itd be damn hard to pass up anyone whose defensive playcalling would literally torture the offense. Not to mention that if someone happened to try and tape his signals....well I imagine they wouldn't be around much longer.....

Asst. Head Coach: Demon Pazuzu (The Exorcist)- He'd be the head if he'd tried to possess a stronger form from the start. Still though, a quarterback or defender seeing that the assistant coach is crab walking around the sideline spewing green vomit everywhere is probably a player who wont be causing problems.

Head Coach: The Collector (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Demon Knight)- He's a natural choice for this spot because he'd have the ability to parlay leading an army of hellspawned demons into a battle over the blood of christ perfectly into leading a group of vengeful lunatics into a massacre of their opponents. Plus the press conferences would be amazing what with his cleverness and wit.

GM: Dr. Hill (Re-Animator)- I had to go literal here. Come on. head of team...disembodied head....its just too damn perfect.

Owner: The Umbrella Corporation (Resident Evil)- What could better own this team than a secret agency that makes illegal biological weaponry that turn people into zombies? The company is known for having a stake in almost every field and every area, the sporting world would be just another conquest.

Announcing team: Hannibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs) and Jack Torrance (The Shining)- Think about it a moment. You tune into the game on the radio or tv. And you hear one voice...that dark, evil..."Hello Clarisse" voice....then another comes in...and its Jack FUCKING Nicholson. Pure perfection.

Waterboy: Pennywise the Clown (Stephen King's IT) I'd been trying to find a place to put him since I first wrote this since he's one of my favorites. Kinda hit me yesterday. Where else would you put a shapeshifting clown who lives primarily in the sewers and tells little children that their bodies will "all float down here". Now that's high quality H2O.

THE CHEERLEADERS:

Carrie (Carrie)- The nerdy, bookish cheerleader. Just don't laugh at her.....

May (May)- She's looking for the perfect cheer. She just might have to make it from the perfect parts of the other squad....

Tamara (Tamara)- It's kinda like the Harry Potter "Veela Effect". You have to have a cheerleader who has the ability to control the minds of the crowd and make them cheer for the team. Or...do other...gruesome things to themselves.....

Jenifer (Masters of Horror: Jenifer)- The cheerleader with the great body....and the monstrous carnal appetites.....

Lilith (Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood)- She was a cheerleader in the movie at one point so she has to be one here. Being the leader of the bordello though, she's the slutty cheerleader.....but she loves to neck......

Baby Firefly (House of 1000 Corpses, etc.)- Sheri Moon Zombie. I do believe that's all that needs to be said.

Asami Yamazaki (Audition)-  There's something special about her, I must say....and that something she keeps in her duffle bag's special too.......

(This next one was suggested by a friend)
Regan McNeil (The Exorcist)- While the demon may be the assistant coach, it doesnt mean that the person it posesses throughout the films cant be around either. I kinda wanna see a cheerleader on the sideline yelling "LET JESUS FUCK YOU".

Julie Walker (Return of the Living Dead 3)- The undead goth cheerleader. What else could be said about the one dressed in black who causes herself severe bodily harm and body modification to prevent her from eating the flesh of the living. Just remember to stay away when she's hungry.....

Misty Falls (Masters of Horror: Sick Girl)- The hot lesbian cheerleader. Some might say she's a little buggy though....best to avoid the mood swings...

Last year I did this for the first time on livejournal, but I kinda did it by memory so I kept it to 10 and 3 honorable mentions. This year, I've been keeping track all year. Thus: 24 and 6 honorable mentions. I'll try to keep it quick. Number doesn't matter too much as half this order could change depending on the day. Mostly its just that they're on the list that's important.  I've also cut a bunch of movies that were on this list out to focus on horror, so you wont find these other movies on the list:  Iron Man, Hancock, Juno, The Dark Knight (which was originally no. 12).

Honorable Mentions:

Disturbia- I like this movie a lot, I really do. Good tension...but I gotta say...I can suspend disbelief a lot. But not enough that I'll buy that Shia Labeouf's next door neighbor will make out with him after he admits to spying on her, no matter how he words it.
This Film is Not Yet Rated- A great documentary that ALL movie fans need to see.
ZA: Zombies Anonymous (aka: Last Rites of the Dead)- Refreshing spin on the zombie subgenre whose only flaw is that certain scenes were cut out that might explain the buildup to the ending better.

Hellboy and Hellboy 2: The Golden Army: Both the movies are great, but they have minor pacing issues and also threaten to collapse under their own dark storylines (particularly the first one).

Mother of Tears: I appear to be in the minority in thinking that this is an honorable ending to the Three Mothers Trilogy. I think other critics need to realize he's never gonna be back to his Suspiria days and deal with the change. As it is, the movie is out of its mind with gore and insanity and cheesy scripting. It's biggest flaw is that, I'm sorry Dario, but your daughter can't act her way out of a paper bag.

Top 22:

22) Deep Red/Profondo Rosso: Speaking of Dario Argento's glory days...great detective story with plenty of twists and turns. Bright colors and darkly beautiful murder setpieces.
21) From Beyond: Crazy sexual horror sci-fi from Stuart Gordon and Jeffrey Combs.
20) Wizard of Gore Remake: This isn't the perfect movie, but the performances of Crispin Glover, Jeffrey Combs, and Kip Pardue make this movie better than just another remake. Story gets a little confusing, but the atmosphere makes up for it.
19) John Carpenter's The Thing: A classic. I get the feeling I'd place this higher if I hadn't heard so much about it beforehand. Great movie.
17) Hostel: Part II: The major reason I like the Hostel and Saw movies is psychology. And if there's one thing the second Hostel nails, its the psychology of the hunters. For me, I can isolate the tortures and puzzles of the two series, and segregate them from the rest. If you can handle it, I recommend it. Plus, Hostel II has a feministic slant almost in its ending which is kinda refreshing.
17) Tales from the Crypt: Old-fashioned British horror. Subtlety, tension, and twist endings straight out of EC that some directors could learn from.
16) The Frighteners: Where other people worship at Peter Jackson's altar for Lord of the Rings, I choose to bow for his horror movies. This, combined with Dead Alive and Bad Taste, makes for brilliant watching. (And it proves that Jake Busey is a nowhere near as much of an idiot as his brother Gary.) Michael J. Fox is also great. Brilliant blend of horror and comedy as usual.
15) The Return of the Living Dead: Last year I put ROTLD 3 on my list and I still consider it one of my favorite movies. I also said I'd seen parts of this at the time. Now I've seen it all, and I think it's one of the great forgotten horror movies of the 80s and I'm thankful it's starting to get its due.
14) The Craft: One of the many reasons Fairuza Balk is one of my favorite actresses. A movie with great performances and good effects that is one of the more faithful, more sympathetic portrayals of witchcraft and teen life (respectively) I've seen.
13) Hell's Ground (Zibahkhana): A brilliant riff on Texas Chainsaw Massacre and other slashers from Pakistan that feels fresh and original because of the cultural spin.
12) They Live: A great Roddy Piper sci-fi b-movie with classic scenes and campy lines that's still relevant 20+ years later.
11) (tie)Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead: NOTLD is the better movie, but both are still great pieces of horror social commentary.
10) 13: Game of Death: Asian flick filled with twists and turns and suspense that's a perfect fit for the modern climate of Reality TV.
9) Repo: The Genetic Opera: This will be the next Rocky Horror Picture Show, mark my words. Campy b-movie musical greatness, warts and all.
9) An American Werewolf In London: Another great blend of horror and comedy. I've seen bits and pieces for years, but this was the first time I think I watched it beginning to end.
7) The Ruins: The opening might be a bit trying, but some of the effects and the feeling of panic make it great. Best wide-release straight horror film of the year.
6) Slime City: Pure, badly scripted, low-budget, campy, b-movie fun. It's a shame it's so unheard of.
5) Phantasm: I'd seen a lot of this movie before, but I've never sat down and watched it all at once I think. A really good, underrated horror/sci-fi blend.  Barely made the list since I finished watching it the 31st.
4) Terminator 2: Judgment Day: Outside of the fact that the little kid in it is INSANELY annoying, the action is perfect and its the one movie I know of where Arnold actually figures what acting is. Outstanding.  I wouldn't put it on here, but Monsters HD was airing it and its predecessor, so whaddya gonna do.
3) Perfume: Story of a Murderer: Contrary to what one might think, this is not really a horror movie. It's more of an atmospheric dramatic mystery that...just so happens to involve someone killing beautiful women. I have never seen a movie convey the idea of scent as well as this movie does.
2) Frailty: If there's one thing I love, its a movie that combines horror, suspense, mystery, and a statement about religious fundamentalism. With a great twist. Fantastic.
1) (tie)Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead and The Toxic Avenger: I heard of Troma for the first time a few years ago when I saw their table at a convention. I also saw the first crazily tasteless 5 minutes of Poultrygeist there. In May, I went to a special screening of it, and I've been obsessed ever since. The best of Lloyd Kaufman's movies are deranged melanges of horror, comedy, and gore. I wish more people could appreciate their twisted, deranged sense of humor, but until then, I'll just enjoy head crushings, great jokes, over-the-top crazy violence and more by myself.

Gather round children, for I've got a nice quaint little holiday story to tell. a violent little twisted take on a holiday classic.  If I missed anyone, my apologies (I tried to limit myself to the number of lines in the original), but I hope you have a good holiday season too.  And if you have meter complaints...you try rhyming Cthulhu (for example).  And now, boils and ghouls.....*clears throat*

'Twas a few weeks 'til Christmas, and 'round the Ossuary,

Not a creature was stirring...seems kinda solitary.

The stockings were stabbed to the chimney, you'll find,

They're a little bit bloody...their owners won't mind.

Attrage provided them, straight from the Outback.

We didn't ask questions...though there were feet in the sack.

And Horrorqueen and Horrorczar sat on their thrones,

Atop a growing pile of tiny elven bones.

When suddenly, a noise! Straight from the snow!

MadMolly thought it was Moseley! Look at her go!

Lucy, Lestat, and bloodlust smelled blood,

See how their fangs glisten at the sound of the thud.

Kittylicks thought she'd work on being a surgeon,

What better to carve up than a poor, hapless virgin.

Petalbo was hoping that it was Cthulhu,

It's tentacles all dripping with slime and goo.

But nope...it's just me. See the suit and the axe?

Zombie reindeer draw the sleigh, they don't leave tracks.

And ZombieMaster, I know you, you want to hear names...

"Now, Carpenter! now, Fulci! now, Bava and Argento!

On, Hooper! on Gordon! on, Kaufman and Romero!"

Quick stop over here, watch out for the monkey!

Pumboy'd be pissed if we landed so clunky!"

Creepiechic was there, always fast to greet.

The horrormom's important, her presence a treat.

BorednViolent, as well. Kaufman eats out her hand.

Timbodi's found Argento, she's always been a big fan.

I've got plenty of gifts...for Serpentine, a snake.

For Unscareable, a movie unable to take.

DoctorLoomis got a tracker to put onto Myers.

Here's hoping he stops him before he retires.

Type O for Lucy, Lestat and Bloodlust,

I get my supplies from a source you can trust;

Kittylicks gets a brand new chainsaw,

Cuts right through bone...it's like POOF! VOILA!

BorednViolent gets tickets to a horror convention,

with guests too numerous and sundry to mention.

Timbodi gets a big-screen tv,

The better to help with the film study;

ZombieMaster gets an assortment of weapons,

Lots of blunt objects and guns by the tons;

MadMolly gets another trip to see ruins,

Sorry, can't kidnap Moseley. Nuh uh. Nothin Doin.

To Attrage, I present fresh victims for play,

I hope there's enough airholes that they get there okay;

Pumpboy gets a new video cam,

One hopes his next movie will really jam;

Tways gets himself a boomstick and cricket bat,

Petalbo, the Necronomicon...careful with that.

And lastly, for the Czar and the Queen, I grant,

This twisted poem, this rhyming rant.

And now, everyone, it's time to go, thanks a bunch,

For you see good dear folks...I'm having someone for lunch.

But before I run off, here's one last line,

"Merry Christmas to all, and a new year bloody fine!"

So, since my newest review has been posted...and since Attrage gave me the idea.....(credit where credit's due...heh), here's all my reviews for BHM thus far.  Feel free to have a glance over.  There will be more where these came from I promise you that.

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/tales-from-the-darkside-the-movie-1990.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/disturbing-behavior-1998-horror-movie-review.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/poultrygeist-night-of-the-chicken-dead-2006-movie-review.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/demon-knight.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/three-extremes.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/13-tzameti.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/the-ring.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/demons.html

http://www.best-horror-movies.com/roman.html

and the newest review:  http://www.best-horror-movies.com/repo-the-genetic-opera.html

And speaking of that last movie, Repo!  The Genetic Opera, I feel that, by virtue of having reviewed it for this site, I should be the one to let everyone know how to see it.  Sold-out showings in the few theaters it was at originally and a sold-out Repo! Road Tour have led to more theaters and more stops on the tour!  First, you can see Director Darren Lynn Bousman and Co-Creator/actor ("Graverobber") Terrance Zdunich at these locations on Repo Road Tour II (Tickets and exact locations can be found here): 

December 4, 10PM:  Chandler, AZ

December 5, 10PM:  New Orleans, LA

December 6, Midnight:  Brookline, MA

December 7, 10PM:  Philaedelphia, PA

December 8, 10PM:  Houston, TX

Plus, catch it in its slowly ever-growing theatrical run as it opens at new theaters (exact locations here) in:

November 21:  West Hollywood, CA; San Francisco, CA; Oakland, CA; New York, NY; Las Vegas, NV; Cleveland, OH; Toronto, ON

November 26:  Atlanta, GA

November 28:  Portland, OR

December 5:  Seattle, WA; Baltimore, MD; Riverside, CA; Anchorage, AK

December 12:  San Diego, CA

I wouldnt push for a movie like this if I didn't think it deserved to be seen theatrically by more people than the movie company was initially letting it be seen by.  I pushed a bit for Poultrygeist when it was in SUPER limited release, and I'm doing it again now.  If you can see it, I highly recommend it.  If not, then at least catch it on dvd, rumored to be in January.

So I was at work today and I was thinking about the state of my life until post-Thanksgiving.  So here's why I love/hate this time of year:

1)  Because I can't resist a good sale, I've bought 23 dvds or dvd sets since the beginning of the month, ONLINE ALONE.  (The prices...the prices....were amazing....)

2)  I know theres gonna be an in-store sale a coming too, but I cant tell when, and it's pissing me off because I want it to be a big Dimension Extreme sale.  But who knows.  There may be no sale...which would suck.

3)  The main reason I wrote this:  Check this out.  This is my life up until Thanksgiving, keeping in mind I work 830-430 at least every week:

Weekend of October 17-19:  I'm going to see The Toxic Avenger:  The Musical in New Brunswick on the Saturday Night among other thing

Weekend of October 24-26:  Chiller Theatre.  So I'll be there, and at least on Friday, a friend will be tagging along.

Weekend of October 31- Nov. 2:  It's Halloween.  I don't know what I'm doing, but itll be something.  I'll prolly see Saw V and Haunting of Molly Hartley.  And I usually host a minor horror fest somewhere.  Dunno.

Weekend of November 7-9:  On November 7, "REPO!  The Genetic Opera" premieres...in EIGHT THEATERS around the country.  Luckily for me, ONES IN NYC!  *thumbs up*

Weekend of November 14-16:  Sawmania.  I'll be there Saturday and Sunday.

Weekend of November 21-23:  ummm...I dunno yet.  SOMETHING will come up though.  It always does.

Tuesday November 25:  Not horror-related, but FAMILY GUY SINGS at Carnegie Hall, NYC.  Then the next day, I drive 4 and a half hours to go home, and on Black Friday, I probably buy a new laptop.

So....if I somehow SURVIVE these next few weeks without a Scanners-esque head explosion...wow.

I watch dvds.  Some might say I'm addicted.  Those people would probably be right.  Going by my excel spreadsheet that I use for organization(not the similar word file...its not numbered.), I currently own roughly 433 movies and 134 TV releases.  Of those, I havent watched the dvds of roughly 197 movies and 36 TV releases.  So yeah, dvds are my heroin probably (though cheaper and more satisfying than heroin I'd wager, I wouldn't know).

One of the reasons I'm a far greater fan of DVD than I ever was of VHS (besides the fact that vhs hit when I was younger) is that DVD has the ability to add extra features, as everyone knows.  I have simple tastes generally though.  For example, I actually like the inclusion of Theatrical Trailers a lot more than most probably do (which is why I just uploaded the trailers for all the films I've reviewed).  But I'm no fool, I know what a great feature is.  Some of my overall horror favorites include the Working With A Master and Interview with a Master featurettes on almost every ep of Masters of Horror in Season One, the "Labyrinth" on the Nightmare on Elm Street box set (informative...yet waay complicated), the Silent Night, Deadly Night slideshow of bad reviews (more movies should revel in their bad reviews), the zombie thoughts subtitles on the most recent version of Return of the Living Dead (because that's just freaking creative), the short film "Rings" on the dvd of Ring Two (nice way to bridge the story), and the Gerald McBoingBoing cartoons on the Hellboy 2-disc (because why the heck would you expect that?).

Which brings me to the greatest feature I've ever seen.  Like the Gerald McBoingboing cartoons, I had no reason to see this coming (outside of packaging advertising of course).  You may have noticed my new review of the French (and sorta Georgian) noir thriller 13 Tzameti.  I praised the movie's simplicity pretty well in the review, but I left out something on purpose to discuss it here.  For a kinda underground, sorta-unknown release, 13 Tzameti has a SURPRISINGLY packed DVD.  Besides interviews with the director and the two actors I mention, there's a rather interesting interview that's kinda nebulous.  Appears to be a guy who actually bets on something similar to the plot of the movie trying to explain and justify his actions in an interview.  Very sociologically appealing.

But that's all an appetizer for the single greatest special feature I've ever seen.  For also on this disc, advertised on the back, is "Sunday's Game - A short film about some nice old ladies".  "Sunday's Game" is a great short in some ways by being everything that 13 Tzameti is not. Game is a color film (allowing the walls to be convincingly painted with grue), while Tzameti is black and white (allowing the action and tension to take the stage).  Tzameti is a noir thriller, as I've mentioned...but Game is the most morbidly hysterical dark comedy I've EVER seen.

I've taken the liberty of enriching you all by uploading this roughly 8 minute slice of heaven to The Ossuary's video section and tagging it into this blog post below:

Things of note:

-There is always something hilarious about mundane conversation in a completely INSANE situation.  Watch it a second time if you like and just follow the dialogue.

-Even if you KNOW what's generally coming from this (hint:  look at the dvd it's on), the way it lulls you into a false sense of complacency for the first 2 minutes 40 seconds is pretty clever.  Don't fast forward though.  Let the suburbia envelope you.

-The old lady who's hard of hearing and a little slow:  Most.  hilarious.  old lady.  EVER.

-This short would NEVER work if the nonchalance of the characters wasn't maintained the WHOLE time.

-Watch for the little things:  tea reactions vs. blood reactions, the hard of hearing woman's blissfully idiotic smile after she complies with the rule change.

-"So my son finally shows up.  It's quarter to five...."  = classic.

So, in conclusion, watch Sunday's Game, love Sunday's Game, hell, tell your friends.  This short's so good, I feel it's my duty to rescue it from special feature obscurity.

This is Crypticpsych saying....I take mine with five sugars and whole milk.

Evening folks! It's....2:18AM on the east coast of the US and I'm home from my "Vacation". We'll come back to why that's in quotes in a moment. First, I wanna just mention that probably Tuesday or Wednesday, I have another, far more interesting entry lined up. But I needed to do this.

As I mentioned in the site report from Monstermania, I was planning the following weekend to head home to Louisiana (where I was born and lived for 15 years.) The plan was to go down for a family members 90th birthday and to see my favorite cousin (also a horror afficionado). This is an account of how that went. Thursday at 545, I hopped a flight out of Newark to Dallas, transfer to New Orleans. Flights werent terrible. No big problems with seatmates or anything. Got to the Louis Armstrong International Airport in New Orleans, and waited for the shuttle to take me to the hotel. And waited. Every other hotel shuttle came once before mine did. I guess I just have bad timing. There was free wi-fi at the hotel, but I mostly used it to follow Hurricane Gustav.

On Friday, the hurricane center didn't know where Gustav was going, and models were pointing everywhere from Texas to Florida. I spent my day...screwing plywood onto my grandparents windows with my uncle and father. Driving around, many stores were already boarded up. One, STUPIDLY, had broken down boxes and taped them to the inside of their windows (oh that'll work REAL good when the 70mph winds hit.) That night there was a minor family reunion where I met up people I hadn't seen in years. I then went outside and talked to my cousin via cellphone for an hour. I never got to see her on this trip...which is moderately distressing since I'm 80-90% sure she didn't evacuate, but I know that was what she wanted. We talked about movies (she liked 13: Game of Death as much as I did) and our lives. I ended up getting a 100% free copy of Dog Soldiers she'd loaned to my grandfather. When I went to bed, Gustav was a Category 1.

When I woke up, it was a Category 4. Saturday we visited my uncle the police officer. The mayor lost his mind, and told his people to "be scared" and "get their butts out". The airport decided to close sunday at 6. My flight was monday at 7. I got on one of the last flight's out. My hotel closed, but we were allowed to stay til the next morning while the national guard and fire folks arrived (nothing is more chilling than a national guard procession driving by in front of you in an average U.S. town). Evacuations were called for in all parishes. And I wouldn't be shocked if we see Katrina level devastation. (We may not, but I don't like the looks of this.)

Sunday, the streets were pretty deserted. We went to the airport which was one of the creepiest places I've ever been. First, we couldn't drop off the rental car as Budget had closed up. No shuttle either. We got it through the gate though because they allowed us too, and, after walking halfway to the terminal, a thrifty shuttle took us in. You couldn't be inside without ticket confirmation. No food or drink or anything was sold. M.R.E.'s were given out if people wanted them though I saw no one eating them. I was waiting at my terminal for 5 hours. Earlier flights going to other places came and went, people got bumped up. But I couldnt' be. So I was there at 330...when the outerband hit quickly. Rain poured down against the windows for a good 5-10 minutes. Short, I know, but I could see OUT that window 2 minutes before, now I could see nothing. I got out on a flight to Chicago O'Hare and connected over to Newark. (on the Chicago-Newark flight I had a spirited discussion of stephen king with a seatmate so that was nice). As we flew out toward O'Hare....and I looked out the window of the relatively empty flight....I've never seen a more empty looking major city than that.

And here I sit. To my knowledge the vast majority of my family is out, and those who aren't...they know what they are getting into. For me, this is nothing new. I lived there during Andrew and other storms from 1985-2000. But it doesn't make the general situation any easier.

I hope this isn't too much of a downer, but I got back early and thought people would like to know what it was like from someone who was down there and not a cnn or weather channel talking head. I'll have something more interesting and amusing later this week, but for now, I just thought I'd "educate" so to speak.

Yeah.....that title sounds so much better when they do it. 

So yeah, as I previously blogged, I rented six movies last Monday and said I would give my quick thoughts later (might do full reviews of some at some other point way later but this will do for now.)  After not watching any of them until Saturday I decided to watch the six pretty much in a row.  Remember kids, I'm a trained professional.  Sorta.  So now here are my thoughts in the order that I watched them.  While the order was done pretty much at random, I should note that this basically is the order I wouldve gone for:

1)  Funny Games (remake) (2007)-

Rating:  7 Callaway Drivers out of 10

I wanted to say great things about Funny Games, I really did.  And its a good movie with a pretty captivating storyline.  But it suffers for certain reasons.  For one, like Hard Candy (which I like), the movie presents your main family as people who you never really identify with.  They're uppercrust snobs basically, who you have a bit of a rough time wanting to see survive since they seem like theyd be phony around you and stab you in the back when you aren't looking.  Similarly, the villains seem kinda exactly like the people they're going after:  rich, upper class snobs as seen in their attire.  So you don't know why their doing it and can't really identify with them either.  Thatd be ok if, like in Hard Candy, the story kept rolling without a slow patch and the viewer was continually along for the ride and not kept in tension.  But unfortunately, after a "misunderstanding" with a shotgun, the villains leave their victims for a while and you the viewer are treated to roughly 10-15 minutes of them trying to free themselves and dry their phone and escape.  The length kills that, particularly when about 3 minutes of it is just Naomi Watts's character trying to stand up slowly and remove her duct tape and shut off the tv.

I should note though that the movie does get 7 drivers because the villains are still very good in the way they toy with their victims.  Also, the breaking of the fourth wall that happens four times over the course of this movie, is something I actually enjoyed, stylistically speaking.  Overall, the movie has an engaging plot but cant maintain its pace around the middle.  It's actors are ones you dont particularly care survive or not even though it should be noted they give good performances.  And I should mention, I actually predicted the ending sequence right down to the final shot, which is not necessarily a good thing.  It's worth a rent at the least, but I wouldnt buy it both for the reasons I've mentioned and because the dvd is as bare bones as bare bones gets.  There is literally NOTHING on it.  Overall, its above average, but underwhelming for me(I may have set the bar too high for it so your mileage may vary).  Moving on to Saturday's second film:

2)  ZA:  Zombies Anonymous (AKA Last Rites of the Dead)(released on dvd 2008, made in 2006)-

Rating:  9.5 Jars of Look Alive Face Cream out of 10

Of the 6 movies I rented that day, this was the only one I did not go in thinking about.  I didn't even know about this movie.  I'd never even HEARD of it.  But when the title is that interesting and the synopsis grabs you like this one's did, I couldnt resist.  And I am damn glad I did.  This movie is outstanding.  A review I read after I'd seen it summed it up perfectly:  It's not a zombie movie, it's a movie about zombies.  It's a blend of a dark comedy, a drama, a horror movie, a splatter flick, and an action movie.  The movie is very well shot for an indie film...hell it's better shot than some mainstream ones.  The gore is GENERALLY convincing (and when it isn't well remember, it's an indie flick).  The plot pours in almost Romeroan levels of social commentary.  You could see it as musings on terrorism and guerilla warfare, a look at racism, and indictment of religion, all in one.  Not to mention the acting is solid throughout.  I cannot say enough good things about this movie.

So why didnt I give it 10 out of 10 you ask?  Because the movie does have one flaw.  Whoever lined it up for release made a series of very bad cuts.  You can find the uncut sequences on youtube if you look hard enough, but as it is, one character cuts her hair after a certain event occurs and dyes it.  This isnt shown, she just appears that way.  Thus, if you don't know it's coming, you might be lost for about the last third of the movie.  Also, some of the violent bits were excised unfortunately, but it should be noted that what remains is spectacularly bloody in and of itself, so I personally didnt' miss it.  However, in general, both of those points are small potatoes considering how pleasant a surprise and how awesome this movie is.  I recommend it to everyone on every level.  It was a great way to end Saturday.  Now:  Sunday's foursome began with:

3)  The Ruins (2008)-

Rating:  8 Ringing Cellphones out of 10

How ironic that I'm going to begin this review of a movie that I liked a lot by saying something I'm going to come back to in another part of this:  I'm sick and tired of these damn movies that pretend every teenager is from Laguna Beach or The Hills or some other show filled with vapid, dumbass, rocks-for-brains partyhound teenagers.  This movie lost a star and a half at the very start for having such thoroughly unlikeable leads (with the exception of Mathias who I loved).  I mean, I KNOW Jena Malone could act better than that.  Granted, by the end of the movie, she and the rest proved that point quite well which is why it's still an 8.  Once I got past that opening bit, I was captivated by the atmosphere and the outstanding gore effects, not to mention the plot twists (like the flowers).  I have a lot of respect for a movie that actually produces a genuinely frightening atmosphere AND gets a wide release these days.  I'm probably being unnecessarily harsh on it, because it is very good, but those damn actors really got me in the wrong mood from the start.

That, and the other lost half-star I blame on the people who released it.  Are we that jaded we can't have a nihilistic ending anymore?  The dvd is made with an alternate ending, has another alternate ending, and has the original theatrical ending.  Two of the three end on a downbeat in a way.  Through a tiny change, one of them doesnt.  Guess which one they used in theatrical release.  We CAN handle a dark ending studio people.  Geez.  Overall, though, definitely worth seeing if you can get past the eyesplittingly whiny characters early on so that they develop more as the film progresses.  Next:

4)  13:  Game of Death (released in 2006, dvd in 2008)-

Rating:  10 Twisted Challenges out of 10

If someone gave you the chance to win tons of money, what would you do to get it?  How far would you go?  This Thai(read:  subtitled) import asks that question of a down-his-luck salesman and takes you along for every second of the ethically questionable and morally challenging ride.  This film has it all.  The challenges are twisted, sometimes in ingenious ways, the movie is filled with a dark twisted humor (the chair beating in one challenge is darkly hysterical), the actors are all believable, and the overall ending caught me completely by surprise. 

When I originally said this and the next film were on the rental list, I said that I hoped they weren't just saw clones.  This one isn't by any means.  This film is more of an adrenaline fueled thriller with inklings of films like Shoot 'Em Up and Wanted in it.  Is it strictly horror?  No, it's definitely more thriller than horror.  However, it's deeply engaging, totally unforgettable, and a wild ride.  An outstanding accomplishment.  Next:  was the other a Saw clone?

5)  Steel Trap (released in 2007, dvd in 2008)-

Rating:  6 Nursery Rhymes out of 10

Oh....Steel Trap.  Ohhhhh boy...I'm torn on how to describe my feelings for it.  First things first...see that case?  Looks great doesnt it?  Yeah don't expect to see it.  Or almost anything like it.  Number 2:  Following is the word for word synopsis on the back of the case:  "A New Year's bash in an abandoned high-rise building turns into a grisly bloodbath when five guests receive a mysterious text invite to a VIP party on the 27th floor.  Joined by two crashers, the strangers soon realize they're trapped, and the only way out is through the twisted clues of a psychopath.  The catch?  Each game leads to one of their own gruesome deaths.  With a series of shocking twists, Steel Trap holds you in its grip all the way to its mind-blowing ending."  Now TELL ME that's not Saw/Saw 2.

Well actually....it isn't.  They try to hook you in with that.  If you notice, the cover has a distinctly Saw feel (note the saw blades).  It's actually a slasher film more than it is a Saw movie.  The challenges never really lead directly to someone's death, and the movie is more a scavenger hunt than a death trap type situation.  Not only that:  the acting....is unbelievably hammy and bad.  On a hilarious level.  You will be laughing at almost every character by the time the movie is over.  The script is equally hysterical, switching between insanely dumb dialogue, snarky one-liners, and random statements of the obvious.

Why you may ask, did I give it a 6 then?  I liked it actually.  Because its so unbelievably hysterical.  It's very much one of those "you people are so stupid" movies.  I also like the look of the killer, even though he's underdeveloped and underused.  Also, the use of twisted nursery rhymes to lead people around was amusing, as was murders themed off of little nameplates the victims were given early on.  But the big thing that saved it from a 5 or less was the ending.  Is it mind-blowing?  No.  Did it come out of left field? Hell yes.  But it was also one of the most surreal, hilarious, ways of revealing the ending I've ever seen.  As a whole, this movie gets a 6 because I love this movie.  And I KNOW I shouldn't.  And now.....we come to....*sigh*....

6)  April Fool's Day (remake) (direct to dvd 2008)-

Rating:  2.5 Pranks out of 10

Hollywood rule no. 1:  If you can't outright lie about what the movie is on the cover (see above), the other way to sell some direct to dvd movies is to throw a pair of....assets...on the cover.  See that thing that says "unrated"?  Yeah, ignore that.  It's direct-to-dvd.  It's ALL unrated.  Now then.  I wanted to hate this movie on every level.  Unfortunately I couldnt.  Not on EVERY level.  But damn close.  First off:  That thing I mentioned about the Hills-ified horror movie in The Ruins?  This movie keeps that the whole time.  Only one of the principles comes close to giving a good performance.  Terrible and thoroughly unlikeable actors.  Second:  If you're gonna remake an 80s slasher classic, dont do this:

This is the original cover art/poster art of the classic original.  If you ever have a chance, take a look at the picture on the dvd of the remake (the disc itself I mean).  It's basically an exact replica of this shot, minus the noose.  The shot is from behind, girl's holding a knife, and the rest of the characters are toasting.  Theres a fine line between remake and ripoff.  And that crosses it, turns around and pees on it.  Also, whether youve seen the original or not, the plot basically walks you by the hand to the thoroughly unsurprising (as a result) end (and cribs pretty danged liberally from I Know What You Did Last Summer to do that, oddly).  The music is also bizarre:  you cant tell if they're just using bad, out of place music or paying homage to the 80s (I HIGHLY doubt that option).

I couldve given it 1 instead of 2.5.  But:  Scout Taylor-Compton is pretty good in this actually as Torrance.  Thats worth a star.  Also, the way that the movie revamped the old twist itself in that they updated how it was all done did deserve a star.....until they went and wrecked it with a double twist (almost triple twist really).  So I gave that a half-star instead.  Thus a VERY generous 2.5 stars out of 10.  Do not see this movie.  3 minutes and 27 seconds in, I wanted to throw the dvd out of the player.  I didnt.  I'm still not sure whether I should have or not.

And thats all folks.  I dunno when I'll do something like this again, but if I do, youll be the first to know.

Until next time, please remember:  Friends don't let friends do direct-to-dvd remakes.