Yeah.....that title sounds so much better when they do it. 

So yeah, as I previously blogged, I rented six movies last Monday and said I would give my quick thoughts later (might do full reviews of some at some other point way later but this will do for now.)  After not watching any of them until Saturday I decided to watch the six pretty much in a row.  Remember kids, I'm a trained professional.  Sorta.  So now here are my thoughts in the order that I watched them.  While the order was done pretty much at random, I should note that this basically is the order I wouldve gone for:

1)  Funny Games (remake) (2007)-

Rating:  7 Callaway Drivers out of 10

I wanted to say great things about Funny Games, I really did.  And its a good movie with a pretty captivating storyline.  But it suffers for certain reasons.  For one, like Hard Candy (which I like), the movie presents your main family as people who you never really identify with.  They're uppercrust snobs basically, who you have a bit of a rough time wanting to see survive since they seem like theyd be phony around you and stab you in the back when you aren't looking.  Similarly, the villains seem kinda exactly like the people they're going after:  rich, upper class snobs as seen in their attire.  So you don't know why their doing it and can't really identify with them either.  Thatd be ok if, like in Hard Candy, the story kept rolling without a slow patch and the viewer was continually along for the ride and not kept in tension.  But unfortunately, after a "misunderstanding" with a shotgun, the villains leave their victims for a while and you the viewer are treated to roughly 10-15 minutes of them trying to free themselves and dry their phone and escape.  The length kills that, particularly when about 3 minutes of it is just Naomi Watts's character trying to stand up slowly and remove her duct tape and shut off the tv.

I should note though that the movie does get 7 drivers because the villains are still very good in the way they toy with their victims.  Also, the breaking of the fourth wall that happens four times over the course of this movie, is something I actually enjoyed, stylistically speaking.  Overall, the movie has an engaging plot but cant maintain its pace around the middle.  It's actors are ones you dont particularly care survive or not even though it should be noted they give good performances.  And I should mention, I actually predicted the ending sequence right down to the final shot, which is not necessarily a good thing.  It's worth a rent at the least, but I wouldnt buy it both for the reasons I've mentioned and because the dvd is as bare bones as bare bones gets.  There is literally NOTHING on it.  Overall, its above average, but underwhelming for me(I may have set the bar too high for it so your mileage may vary).  Moving on to Saturday's second film:

2)  ZA:  Zombies Anonymous (AKA Last Rites of the Dead)(released on dvd 2008, made in 2006)-

Rating:  9.5 Jars of Look Alive Face Cream out of 10

Of the 6 movies I rented that day, this was the only one I did not go in thinking about.  I didn't even know about this movie.  I'd never even HEARD of it.  But when the title is that interesting and the synopsis grabs you like this one's did, I couldnt resist.  And I am damn glad I did.  This movie is outstanding.  A review I read after I'd seen it summed it up perfectly:  It's not a zombie movie, it's a movie about zombies.  It's a blend of a dark comedy, a drama, a horror movie, a splatter flick, and an action movie.  The movie is very well shot for an indie film...hell it's better shot than some mainstream ones.  The gore is GENERALLY convincing (and when it isn't well remember, it's an indie flick).  The plot pours in almost Romeroan levels of social commentary.  You could see it as musings on terrorism and guerilla warfare, a look at racism, and indictment of religion, all in one.  Not to mention the acting is solid throughout.  I cannot say enough good things about this movie.

So why didnt I give it 10 out of 10 you ask?  Because the movie does have one flaw.  Whoever lined it up for release made a series of very bad cuts.  You can find the uncut sequences on youtube if you look hard enough, but as it is, one character cuts her hair after a certain event occurs and dyes it.  This isnt shown, she just appears that way.  Thus, if you don't know it's coming, you might be lost for about the last third of the movie.  Also, some of the violent bits were excised unfortunately, but it should be noted that what remains is spectacularly bloody in and of itself, so I personally didnt' miss it.  However, in general, both of those points are small potatoes considering how pleasant a surprise and how awesome this movie is.  I recommend it to everyone on every level.  It was a great way to end Saturday.  Now:  Sunday's foursome began with:

3)  The Ruins (2008)-

Rating:  8 Ringing Cellphones out of 10

How ironic that I'm going to begin this review of a movie that I liked a lot by saying something I'm going to come back to in another part of this:  I'm sick and tired of these damn movies that pretend every teenager is from Laguna Beach or The Hills or some other show filled with vapid, dumbass, rocks-for-brains partyhound teenagers.  This movie lost a star and a half at the very start for having such thoroughly unlikeable leads (with the exception of Mathias who I loved).  I mean, I KNOW Jena Malone could act better than that.  Granted, by the end of the movie, she and the rest proved that point quite well which is why it's still an 8.  Once I got past that opening bit, I was captivated by the atmosphere and the outstanding gore effects, not to mention the plot twists (like the flowers).  I have a lot of respect for a movie that actually produces a genuinely frightening atmosphere AND gets a wide release these days.  I'm probably being unnecessarily harsh on it, because it is very good, but those damn actors really got me in the wrong mood from the start.

That, and the other lost half-star I blame on the people who released it.  Are we that jaded we can't have a nihilistic ending anymore?  The dvd is made with an alternate ending, has another alternate ending, and has the original theatrical ending.  Two of the three end on a downbeat in a way.  Through a tiny change, one of them doesnt.  Guess which one they used in theatrical release.  We CAN handle a dark ending studio people.  Geez.  Overall, though, definitely worth seeing if you can get past the eyesplittingly whiny characters early on so that they develop more as the film progresses.  Next:

4)  13:  Game of Death (released in 2006, dvd in 2008)-

Rating:  10 Twisted Challenges out of 10

If someone gave you the chance to win tons of money, what would you do to get it?  How far would you go?  This Thai(read:  subtitled) import asks that question of a down-his-luck salesman and takes you along for every second of the ethically questionable and morally challenging ride.  This film has it all.  The challenges are twisted, sometimes in ingenious ways, the movie is filled with a dark twisted humor (the chair beating in one challenge is darkly hysterical), the actors are all believable, and the overall ending caught me completely by surprise. 

When I originally said this and the next film were on the rental list, I said that I hoped they weren't just saw clones.  This one isn't by any means.  This film is more of an adrenaline fueled thriller with inklings of films like Shoot 'Em Up and Wanted in it.  Is it strictly horror?  No, it's definitely more thriller than horror.  However, it's deeply engaging, totally unforgettable, and a wild ride.  An outstanding accomplishment.  Next:  was the other a Saw clone?

5)  Steel Trap (released in 2007, dvd in 2008)-

Rating:  6 Nursery Rhymes out of 10

Oh....Steel Trap.  Ohhhhh boy...I'm torn on how to describe my feelings for it.  First things first...see that case?  Looks great doesnt it?  Yeah don't expect to see it.  Or almost anything like it.  Number 2:  Following is the word for word synopsis on the back of the case:  "A New Year's bash in an abandoned high-rise building turns into a grisly bloodbath when five guests receive a mysterious text invite to a VIP party on the 27th floor.  Joined by two crashers, the strangers soon realize they're trapped, and the only way out is through the twisted clues of a psychopath.  The catch?  Each game leads to one of their own gruesome deaths.  With a series of shocking twists, Steel Trap holds you in its grip all the way to its mind-blowing ending."  Now TELL ME that's not Saw/Saw 2.

Well actually....it isn't.  They try to hook you in with that.  If you notice, the cover has a distinctly Saw feel (note the saw blades).  It's actually a slasher film more than it is a Saw movie.  The challenges never really lead directly to someone's death, and the movie is more a scavenger hunt than a death trap type situation.  Not only that:  the acting....is unbelievably hammy and bad.  On a hilarious level.  You will be laughing at almost every character by the time the movie is over.  The script is equally hysterical, switching between insanely dumb dialogue, snarky one-liners, and random statements of the obvious.

Why you may ask, did I give it a 6 then?  I liked it actually.  Because its so unbelievably hysterical.  It's very much one of those "you people are so stupid" movies.  I also like the look of the killer, even though he's underdeveloped and underused.  Also, the use of twisted nursery rhymes to lead people around was amusing, as was murders themed off of little nameplates the victims were given early on.  But the big thing that saved it from a 5 or less was the ending.  Is it mind-blowing?  No.  Did it come out of left field? Hell yes.  But it was also one of the most surreal, hilarious, ways of revealing the ending I've ever seen.  As a whole, this movie gets a 6 because I love this movie.  And I KNOW I shouldn't.  And now.....we come to....*sigh*....

6)  April Fool's Day (remake) (direct to dvd 2008)-

Rating:  2.5 Pranks out of 10

Hollywood rule no. 1:  If you can't outright lie about what the movie is on the cover (see above), the other way to sell some direct to dvd movies is to throw a pair of....assets...on the cover.  See that thing that says "unrated"?  Yeah, ignore that.  It's direct-to-dvd.  It's ALL unrated.  Now then.  I wanted to hate this movie on every level.  Unfortunately I couldnt.  Not on EVERY level.  But damn close.  First off:  That thing I mentioned about the Hills-ified horror movie in The Ruins?  This movie keeps that the whole time.  Only one of the principles comes close to giving a good performance.  Terrible and thoroughly unlikeable actors.  Second:  If you're gonna remake an 80s slasher classic, dont do this:

This is the original cover art/poster art of the classic original.  If you ever have a chance, take a look at the picture on the dvd of the remake (the disc itself I mean).  It's basically an exact replica of this shot, minus the noose.  The shot is from behind, girl's holding a knife, and the rest of the characters are toasting.  Theres a fine line between remake and ripoff.  And that crosses it, turns around and pees on it.  Also, whether youve seen the original or not, the plot basically walks you by the hand to the thoroughly unsurprising (as a result) end (and cribs pretty danged liberally from I Know What You Did Last Summer to do that, oddly).  The music is also bizarre:  you cant tell if they're just using bad, out of place music or paying homage to the 80s (I HIGHLY doubt that option).

I couldve given it 1 instead of 2.5.  But:  Scout Taylor-Compton is pretty good in this actually as Torrance.  Thats worth a star.  Also, the way that the movie revamped the old twist itself in that they updated how it was all done did deserve a star.....until they went and wrecked it with a double twist (almost triple twist really).  So I gave that a half-star instead.  Thus a VERY generous 2.5 stars out of 10.  Do not see this movie.  3 minutes and 27 seconds in, I wanted to throw the dvd out of the player.  I didnt.  I'm still not sure whether I should have or not.

And thats all folks.  I dunno when I'll do something like this again, but if I do, youll be the first to know.

Until next time, please remember:  Friends don't let friends do direct-to-dvd remakes.