Written by Patti Davis

Good manners can be a challenge for many of us in everyday life, but what about those "special" situations where proper etiquette is more important than ever, yet difficult to wrap our heads around? The vampire family who just moved in next door, for example, deserve a warm welcome reception (at night, of course), but what should be served? Should mirrors be covered? So many details, and so many opportunities to make a bad impression!

That’s where Patti Davis comes in, CEO of Dazzling Manners in Atlanta GA. Whether it’s zombies, vampires, ghosts or monsters, all anyone wants is to be understood. Patti answers some of the most horrific etiquette questions on how to handle unsavory characters and their ‘less than delicate’ behavior. Don’t be afraid to let them in…

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Dear Monstrous Manners,

I want to make sure I am ready for the Zombie Apocalypse. I’ve built the shelter in my basement, stocked up on canned goods, stashed all our money in a safe and have enough water to last for two years. Our generator runs on solar power.

Sincerely,
Kinemortophobia Ken

Dear KK,

It certainly sounds like you have your ducks in a row. But did you think to stock the fridge with entrails? If you are infiltrated by a zombie, you have two options:

1. Rub the entrails all over yourself to smell as dead as your zombie; or
2. Stock a cage with live mice. You can feed them to the zombies in a pinch.

Of course, if you are stuck in your basement for an extended period of time, this would be an ideal time to rid yourself of that nagging spouse. But you didn’t hear that from me.

In any case, the Winchester 1892 lever-action double-barrel shotgun has served well without fail. You might prefer a pump-action, but make sure your shells use at least double-aught buckshot.

Good luck!

All the best,
MM

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Dear Monstrous Manners,

My freezer is stocked with meat and I am ready to throw a fabulous dinner party. Any tips you could give on getting guests to rsvp? It is so difficult to get folks to commit.

Dear Jeffrey,

Are you sending your invitations out at least two weeks in advance? This is the time of the year when the calendar really starts to fill up (like your freezer), so make sure everyone has plenty of notice.

Still no replies? You might want to reconsider making your guests into supper. That is terribly bad form.

Here’s wishing you a successful fete!

All the best,
MM

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Dear MM,

When butchering sexy, young co-eds, is it gauche to use an electric-powered chainsaw in lieu of a traditional gas-powered chainsaw?

Dear Leatherface,

An electric-powered chainsaw will take much longer when hacking up supple co-eds. Although, as we have all learned by watching the Food Network, you should use the knife that feels best in your hand. Same is true of chainsaws. If the electric chainsaw feels good, do it.

Always use a hefty gag on your victims in the interest of not bothering your neighbors.

Regards,
MM

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Dear MM,

When serving lady fingers for dessert, is it best if they have been sliced off with a blade or snipped? Is it acceptable to accompany them with a gravy boat of the fresh blood?

Dear Lestat,

How thoughtful of you to serve the freshest cuisine to your guests. Sliced or snipped is a personal preference, but sliced at bias looks really great on the plate.

Fresh blood is the only accompaniment needed for this luscious treat.

Bon Appetit!

All the best,

MM

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Patti Davis is the CEO of Dazzling Manners in Atlanta, GA. When she isn't teaching the lovely folks of the south which fork to use, she is watching every zombie movie she can get her hands on. Personal Favorite? The Evil Dead series. Number one on her bucket list is to be on the The Walking Dead as a zombie. She is thrilled to contribute to Best-Horror-Movies.com. Please send all your horrible etiquette questions to patti@dazzlingmanners.com